I want to be treated like the beast that I am. And I want you to draw up the legal papers that declare me to be an animal. I would rather be protected by the animal rights people than you goddam criminal lawyers." This is ridiculous." I insist. I'm holding a press conference to announce my animal nature. I want you to change my legal status from human to animal." But you are a human, physically. You have human DNA." Doesn't matter. According to religion, a man has a soul and an animal does not." If you say so." Know what the most popular religion is in this jailhouse?" No. Atheism, perhaps." Wrong. The Church of Holy Satan. Devil worship. Only natural that guys in jail would worship evil." Freedom of religion laws allow lots of nonsense. But so what?" I joined the Church of Holy Satan and had a de-soulerization ceremony." Took salt out of your body?" That's desalinization, dummy. I thought lawyers were good with words — you sure twist them around. No, I was de-souled. My soul was. ”I nodded. “Okay, well, I didn’t exactly whoop and holler when it happened to me.”“Really?”I nodded but stopped myself before I went off on a tangent. “The reason I brought up Leanne was because she was impressed with the fact that I didn’t talk to her tits.”“Ooh, you said the T-word!”I sighed.“I appreciate that too, as I am sure all of your Fonti do. But, there are times when you need to talk to our tits.”“You mean ‘the girls’?”“The girls, the puppies, the sweater stretchers, the headlights, you can call them anything you want.”“What do you call them?”“Thing One and Thing Two.”I held still as I laughed. “How did you come up with that?”“I was in College. It was Halloween and I still hadn’t come up with an idea for a costume. Someone said they were going to dress up as Thing One and needed someone else to be Thing Two. Well, with my mind set, I went back to my room, found a bright red shirt, and tightened it down so that my breasts really stood out. I even added seams that made them.
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